开始看邮轮恋人这部分，不知是何滋味，前两天看神经现实的那篇ghosting分析，研究对于现实，终究是一种挠不到痒。

where is Celebrity Infinity

好了，我明白今天想改这个名是为什么了。因为今天会沉迷今夜的邮轮日记

喜欢的。不太好形容这是怎样的偏好，总之我喜欢看见真实的东西，无论是什么模样的真实

让我焦虑到滋滋冒响的右脑可以舒缓下来，告诉自己一时没有答案没什么大不了。让我感到我确实可以花上几个月几年，去等待和寻找。我不要立刻就决定我的人生道路。不要为了所谓的抓紧时间，就马上冲进去在大流里混乱转圈。

还需要更多的理由来说服自己……需要更多的，读邮轮日记一样的体验。

我不要停不下来。我已经够辛苦了，再不让自己停下，，，只能说阔诺塞该别惹精神病人！

就说我最喜欢的人是女作者，最想要的关系是读作者关系。。

2022年11月29日。那时我在做什么呢。

今夜真的写得很好，泪目，我看到写得很好的东西就忍不住在心里翻滚大叫

今夜对我的吸引力太大了，不知怎么称呼，我也要叫她MULAN吗？

今夜引的米沃什，神来之笔，爱得

I dived into these diaries she wrote even it was my working time. I finished all my work in about less than 1 hour and just caught any chance to read. It seems like I have an wonderful job which doesn't stressful at all. But I can't forget all those bad memories happened before. And I know I only have the three days'chance during my boss and other colleagues' business trip. I feel guilt, actually, for not taking work seriously and working the whole daytime. But should I ?
Can't be responsible makes me feel guilt. how can I do to deal with it ? In those reading time I really get my peace and happiness. Meanwhile I felt like I'm not a person who responsible for her work, and felt guilt and upset for not getting and progress in my job. The relaxing seems like the only good thing I can get for myself. Why can't I do some job that I really want to be responsible for ? Why can't I get a job which can produce any helpful values to make me being diving into it, being responsible as I want, and getting feedback which I deserve. Why work just means pain and emptiness for me ? The only way I got my value is trying to shirking it ？Why？It always has to be that？

But I know what to do. Some things should be done before but I haven't finished. I know exactly what should I do. To finish all the readings, to watch all the watchings, to write down all the words, those poem language and all the stories inside my heart. To meet all the people different. To do something I never done before. And to confirm there is something I'm willing to do in my whole lifetime. To learn and to travel. Walk across all the places I dreamed to be in before. Record all the stories I'd heard and been through and tell them out. To live on my own but not be involved in the thirsty for earning money all the time. To help people, by hearing them, telling them and recording them. Which job can I reach these goals ? Does anyone know ? Maybe just, start to travel. All the answers wouldn't be secrets in life's traveling anymore.