就说我最喜欢的人是女作者，最想要的关系是读作者关系。。

2022年11月29日。那时我在做什么呢。

今夜真的写得很好，泪目，我看到写得很好的东西就忍不住在心里翻滚大叫

今夜对我的吸引力太大了，不知怎么称呼，我也要叫她MULAN吗？

今夜引的米沃什，神来之笔，爱得

I dived into these diaries she wrote even it was my working time. I finished all my work in about less than 1 hour and just caught any chance to read. It seems like I have an wonderful job which doesn't stressful at all. But I can't forget all those bad memories happened before. And I know I only have the three days'chance during my boss and other colleagues' business trip. I feel guilt, actually, for not taking work seriously and working the whole daytime. But should I ?
Can't be responsible makes me feel guilt. how can I do to deal with it ? In those reading time I really get my peace and happiness. Meanwhile I felt like I'm not a person who responsible for her work, and felt guilt and upset for not getting and progress in my job. The relaxing seems like the only good thing I can get for myself. Why can't I do some job that I really want to be responsible for ? Why can't I get a job which can produce any helpful values to make me being diving into it, being responsible as I want, and getting feedback which I deserve. Why work just means pain and emptiness for me ? The only way I got my value is trying to shirking it ？Why？It always has to be that？

But I know what to do. Some things should be done before but I haven't finished. I know exactly what should I do. To finish all the readings, to watch all the watchings, to write down all the words, those poem language and all the stories inside my heart. To meet all the people different. To do something I never done before. And to confirm there is something I'm willing to do in my whole lifetime. To learn and to travel. Walk across all the places I dreamed to be in before. Record all the stories I'd heard and been through and tell them out. To live on my own but not be involved in the thirsty for earning money all the time. To help people, by hearing them, telling them and recording them. Which job can I reach these goals ? Does anyone know ? Maybe just, start to travel. All the answers wouldn't be secrets in life's traveling anymore.

唉码了一大段字讲工作。还是删了。唉。真的是我矫情吗？不知道怎么说。老板开不开我其实某种角度来看我是无所谓的，我有很矛盾的两种标准，我想试试从没尝试过的另一种。
我就不能换个思路吗，比如我现在没有家庭负担，没有疾病，没有学业压力，还不必担忧保险和储蓄。买房买车，甚至谈恋爱，都不是我的任务。可以想不社交就不社交，想社交就社交。为了我过得开心，我可以支取一笔钱辞掉工作独自旅行。我现在就是这种状态。再过几年绝对不会再有。所以为什么我不享受此刻？为什么我要让自己困在这里，为那些，会一直存在下去，不可能因为我现在忧虑一下就解决的事情，而浪费这种时光？

而且其实我不知道怎么做。我在无法做选择的时刻。是，因为我有得选，所以我还在迷茫，但如果我逼自己立刻转身投入什么另外的跑道，我不就还是没得选吗？现在做决定对我来说没有什么意义，那就干脆不做，等它出现，而我只要坚持做自己想做的事，觉得是对的事，它就会出现。我已经够彷徨了，还平添痛苦？

真想让自己习惯什么叫“take it easy”，所有人都不明白为什么我这个年纪把自己搞得这么累这么痛苦。爸妈这么说，上司这么说，堂姐这么说，只有同龄朋友不这么说。同龄朋友只会说我也很痛苦。我真不知道怎么形容这一切。时代问题？

看伊豆的舞女，除了实在对日本男的没什么好说的了，第二大感受就是那年代的大学生徒步旅行。我想起飞去阿拉斯加祈求一个岗位的星野道夫。大学生的年纪能做那么多那么多事情。而我做了什么。积累了那么多痛苦在身体里，持续地发作到如今。

不是说我的痛苦就应该全都排出体外。。它们存在是因为我就是这样的人，我认命。但我想过精彩一点的生活。。。唉真是受够了，想一直走走到地尽头。唉当人真可怕，要满足自己那么多的现在死掉会不甘心的那些未遂愿望。

。。。。。。。。。。
一句话解释我为什么彷徨痛苦。。大概是。我的现实成果还不足以盛放我的自恋，于是一切塌陷像我在自卑。

交谈越多越焦躁，感受到现有的他者认知和自我认知不能调和。我真的不是在自卑，真的不是不自恋，真的很想做自恋的事情但不要觉得那不是我。

暂停线上社交给我带来的平静又消失了，仅仅一天。不跟人讲话为什么是更健康的事呢？我不能理解。

其实。。。我很想对我的上司说。The one you interviewed, was pass away! Now the subordinate standing in front of you, is an INFP•me. The E\INFJ wouldn't come back anymore! Due to your cruel and careless treatment……！

没办法阻止那些幻想出现在我的脑子里，所有指责我做得不够好的幻觉。
不知道怎么处理这些幻觉才好。不知道怎么在它们一边出现不断出现的同时一边把它们处理好。

邮轮日记也好看，巡航机密也好看，中国女人，美国男人，